Walking with Emily

Thirteen years ago I walked my 2nd born child, Emily Brooke, into the doors of Dawson Elementary in Corpus Christi, TX, for her first day of kindergarten. Tonight I will watch as she walks across the stage to receive her high school diploma from Webster Groves High School in Webster Groves, MO, graduating magna cum laude. The walk from kinder to senior has been full of beauty, mountains, valleys, laughter and tears. It has been one of the deepest joys of my life to walk through life with this incredible young lady.

The first time I saw her, after just 3 1/2 hours of labor, she captured my heart. Her tan skin and curly black hair were so beautiful. I took her sweet little hand in mine and have watched it grow, as her Daddy and I have walked with her through the adventures and challenges of growing up. We've navigated the beach, many different schools, new friendships, a baby sister, new churches, mean girls, thoughtless boys, being lost in SAM's, learning to ride a bike, having a relationship with Jesus, homework challenges, clothes not made for tall girls, learning to drive, laughing 'til we cry, and choosing a college. It's amazing to look at her now and see God's hand on her life. He has been walking this journey with her too.

As she embarks on a new adventure in life, studying Elementary Education at Dallas Baptist University, I'm excited for her. I look forward to watching her grow into a young adult who cares for others, serves those around her and makes a difference in the world. I know the impact she has will be far reaching.

I will always enjoy holding her hand and walking with her, even if only in my heart.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is always a bitttersweet day for me. I love what it stands for - celebrating the joy of being a Mommy, which, next to being a wife, is my favorite thing to be. But it's a day that I miss my own Mommy just a little more than every other day. It's been almost 16 years  since my mom died. I miss her so much. She is such a huge part of the person and mommy I am today. As I think about Mom, and being a mom, I think about so many other special ladies who have impacted my life. So many moms who have also helped mold me into the person and mom I am today. I am thankful for them as well. I have many friends who share the difficulty of this day. Some for the same reason - they have lost their moms. Some for other reasons - they are struggling with the reality of not being able to become a mom. So I have many prayers today - prayers of happiness and thankfulness, prayers of sorrow and lament, prayers of desire and hopefulness.

Big hair, paper wads and God's plans

In 4 1/2 short months my husband and I will be driving our oldest daughter to college. She has chosen a school in her homeland of Texas. To say the least, this has been occupying a great deal of my brain space. Thoughts of whether or not I have prepared her well to live on her own are at the forefront. Evidently I have been more concerned about it than I realized. A couple nights ago I dreamed about it.

At the risk of sounding a little off my rocker, God often speaks to me in my dreams. This particular dream sparked a memory that I had right after I woke up. I was reminded of my very first day of college. Literally my parents had just dropped me off and driven away. I was in line to get my I.D. and whatever else. I didn't know a single soul and so was just standing in line minding my own business, doing my best not to be noticed. The year was 1987, so you can guess how my hair looked. It was big - long and permed. Perfect for this guy, who we will refer to as Doug, to throw tiny little paper wads into. It became very clear very quickly that my mother had not prepared me for this moment. It sounds silly now, but I was totally paralyzed at the time. I had no idea what to do. So I did what every small-town, introverted, naive girl would do...I ignored him. But God had my back. He had orchestrated the line so that Connie Leach (my future best friend, roommate and maid of honor) would be standing a few people in front of me and that she would turn around at just the right time to see Doug's folly and my horror. She promptly told him to quit, introduced herself to me and invited me to come stand with her. We were fast friends.

The message was as clear as day for me. God provided exactly what (and who) I needed, when I needed it. He'll do the same for Emily. He knows so much more than I do how to prepare her for life's surprises. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.

Reflections on a day 20 years ago...

Things in life don't always turn out as we plan. 20 years and 2 days ago I was 33 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband was the student pastor at a church in Independence, MO and that particular night we were kicking off a new band in our student ministry. With the first strum of the guitar from our resident rocker, Joe T, I felt a leap in my womb. It was a little different than others I had felt but nothing that caused me concern. Clearly the baby liked the music as he continued to be quite active throughout the entire set.

In the middle of the night I began having some back pain, so tried to shift and adjust to ease it a little. Finally I got up early and began getting ready for work. My back pain didn't subside. In fact it was oddly consistent - like every 5 minutes or so. At my husband's insistence I called the doctor, all the while reminding him I wasn't due for another 7 weeks, so couldn't possibly be in labor. To my dismay, the doctor sided with my husband and insisted we meet him at the hospital. We did and the nurses went to work hooking me up to all kinds of monitors, not letting me get out of bed for anything. They even ignored me when I reminded them that I wasn't due until May 10. Clearly they knew something that I couldn't wrap my mind around just yet. I was in labor.

One ambulance ride, 11 hours of intravenous magnesium to stop labor (which only slowed it down), several nurse and doctor shift changes, an additional 22 1/2 hours of labor, many phone calls and a good amount of screaming (no childbirth classes) later, our son was born. Robert Alexander Bickford, March 26, 10:35am, nearly 7 weeks early. He was perfect. My life was forever changed.

It's hard to imagine that my tiny baby turns 20 years old today. He had so many challenges ahead of him, not the least of which was learning how to breathe and eat. He's a fighter though. A very strong-willed, persistent, passionate go-getter. I've always believed that God had a plan for him from the beginning. He protected Alex's life because He had big plans for his future.

Alex still jumps with the first strum of the guitar. He's a musician. A very talented one. It's exciting, and frightening at times, to watch how God is shaping him, molding him to be the man He wants him to be. And the journey of his life isn't lost on me. God has used Alex to mold and shape me as well. With his first breath I had a clearer understanding of God's love for me. Motherhood has challenged me. It has required me to surrender my plans in order for God's plans to be fulfilled. I haven't been the perfect Mom - not even close. I've learned more about redemption and trust through some very difficult situations. It's been hard, no doubt. But definitely a blessing. I'm thankful that God chose me to be Alex's mom. I am a better person because of it.

Interrupted...

I just finished reading Interrupted: An Adventure in Relearning the Essentials of Faith by Jen Hatmaker. I highly recommend it, especially if you are seeking God's plan for your life/future. Here are some of the highlights that stood out to me:

• Change is a fact of life. ...whether it comes from a revolution, a movement or a ripple. Change is a reality, and we're living right in the middle of it.
• God does not change, but he uses change - to change us.
• Jesus didn't just host and serve the meal; He became the meal.
• Brokenness hurts.
• In order for God's Kingdom to come, my kingdom has to go.
• He is the new I was craving when I realized my heart was dry.
• This vision is not for here. There's already a vision here. I'm giving you a new one.
• I discovered the journey was not only about something new but also about being willing to go even before we knew where we were going.
• Part of our task was going without knowing. As much as we wanted clear marching orders, the command was: Tell first, find clarity later.
• Never have we stood with such open hands, clinging to nothing, ready for anything.
• There is a freedom in not being in control, when something utterly imagined by God is coming for you. It's exciting, sort of awful. 
• It is not your responsibility to explain what God is doing with your life. Turn loose and let God be God.
• This is not just about doing church; it's about being the church.
• Church is not a place you go, it's a people you belong with.
• Living on mission where you've been sent will transform your faith journey.

This sums up what's going on with us right now. Something else Jen said she learned through her own journey was that He will tell us what we need to know when we need to know it. I find great peace in that truth. 

Reflections on our time in Texas

Some observations I made over the past week:

1. It really is Big Sky Country. (If you've never been to TX, this will not make sense.)
2. People drive MUCH faster on the highways in TX (regardless of the speed limit).
3. Motorcyclists still do not wear helmets.
4. Southern Hospitality is unique to this place. (Didn't realize how much I miss it.)
5. Sweet tea is better in TX.
6. Deb R. still has the best salsa!
7. We picked up where we left off with our dearest friends. (Such a blessing.)
8. Fish City did not disappoint.
9. My son is at home in TX and surrounded by people who love him.
10. I miss the beautiful sound of the spanish language.
11. We are loved in TX.

God is God and i am not

It's been over 3 years and I figured it's about time I start blogging again. In recent days, God has been doing a work in the life of my husband and I. He has directed us to make a big change. We are stepping out in faith to follow what we believe to be his call on our lives. It may sound crazy to some, at times it sounds crazy to me. But I am confident of this - He is faithful and has promised to never leave us. He reminds me not to be anxious. Luke 12:22-34.