What if women don’t want to have sex as often as men?
Well, truthfully, most often they don’t. But I think the issue is greater than this. As women, we often focus so much on the fact that “he wants it every day and I’m too tired” that we miss the greater issue. We miss the opportunity to bless our husbands. I’m not saying that every time he gives you “that look” you have to just “roll over and take it.” If that’s what you are doing then you are robbing yourself of a blessing too. Here’s the deal. God created man and woman. He also created sex. God is blessed when our sexual relationship with our husband is creative, honest, open and often. He created our bodies so that we would enjoy each other.
We all know that women are emotional creatures. And for us sex is a very emotional way to connect to our husbands. But what some of you may not realize, and I only learned a few years ago, is that sex also fulfills a very strong emotional need for our husbands as well. For him it is a gateway to an emotional connection with us. Shaunti Feldhahn, in her book for women only says, “Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life.” Don’t look at your sexual relationship as a chore. Look at it as a way to build your husband up. Be his comfort. Be his encouragement. God created you especially for this.
My encouragement to you is to make the effort to do something surprising for your husband. Make the first move before he has the chance. He’ll be blessed and in turn so will you. And God will be honored.
I agree that we as wives shouldn't look at our sexual relationship as a "chore". But who is to say that I as many women may not have the desire to have sex as often as my husband? As I tell my husband often, I need to clear my head to get into lovemaking or it does become a chore. Unfortunately, I have to clear my head or I find myself thinking about my to do list for the next day during sex. I love my husband very much and we do have sex regularly. Some weeks its more often than others but it's not about the frequency, its about the intimacy. We also refuse to have a TV in our bedroom because when we are in there alone that is OUR time, and sometimes the only quiet alone time we get. I agreed with most of Bob's message except the "tuna helper" bit. Seriously, how creative can 40 somethings get??
ReplyDeleteWow Barb! You should have started a blog long ago, you are very well spoken. I agree with you. I think when we put ourselves out there for them it does build them up, and it makes them want to meet our needs - emotionally and physically- even more.
ReplyDeleteWhat happens when you want it more often then him?How many women can say that? Once a week is all he "can do" and never on a work night. How do I get him in the mood?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous #1: Thanks for your comments. I commend you for not having a TV in your bedroom. I agree with why you have chosen not to do that. It is a choice that Bob and I have made also. I do want to challenge you regarding creativity though. Age really has nothing to do with it. It just takes a little more effort. Try it, you might like it!
ReplyDeletePam: Thanks for the encouraging words. I appreciate it.
Anonymous #2: First off, a caring and open conversation with your husband about your desire for sex more often might be helpful. Seek to understand what his desire level is and how he feels about the frequency of your love making. Let him know you enjoy your times together and that you desire him and long to be intimate with him more often.
Second, choosing different times for your love making (other than night time) might be helpful. It might be that he just doesn't have enough energy after a long day at work. Try waking him up in the morning for some special time together. Or there's always the opportunity for a lunch time visit during the week.
You can also seduce him all day long. Begin in the morning with a lingering kiss and a few strategic touches. Place a note in his car or computer bag, send him a few texts and/or emails, then meet him at the door in something he can't resist. Or if you have children, once they are in bed be sure to slip into something more comfortable and light a few candles. This may take a little more effort on your part, and feel a bit risky, but you may find it will get the result you desire.
If he's still less than interested seek to determine the underlying issues. Stress, fatigue, fear of failure in the bedroom, unresolved conflict and many other issues can contribute to a man not being as interested in sex. In this case it may be good to seek the advice of a christian counselor.
Most important of all, preface all of this with prayer.
Anonymous #1 here again. Maybe I was misunderstood. I tend to disagree with needing to be creative or that if you are not being creative enough then your husband will get bored. Really? Will he really get bored? I feel that an intimacy exists and will be there whether I am standing on my head or we are engaging in traditional missionary sex. Yes, I tend to agree that if we were having sex every other night at 10pm, lights off, him on top, end of story that it would get routine. I guess when I say how creative can 40 somethings get, I mean do we need to role play, wear costumes, or off the wall things like that? I believe that foreplay starts way before getting in bed, its ongoing flirting. I believe in honesty and open communication, if I am tired of one way I will suggest a new way and vice versa.
ReplyDeleteAnon#3 to Anon#1: I took the 'tuna helper' as an analogy to show how mundane/taken for granted/chore/nothing special that sex can become if a couple lets it. I don't think sex needs to be 'creative' in the ways that you're asking--I think Bob was saying to simply put some effort toward it and don't relegate it to something mundane. It's a special bond for a couple and it should be treated that way. It sounds to me like you and your spouse are both satisfied in the bedroom, so "if it ain't broken, don't fix it." Communication is a big key and if you're both honestly sharing in a timely manner how you're feeling about what goes on in the bedroom (ie you're putting time and thought to it) then you're not serving up tuna helper all the time. And I think we can apply the reverse to sex too: you can't live on chocolates and champagne--you gotta have real food! If you try to be 'creative' every time, it's going to be emotionally fatiguing (and possibly physically as well LOL) plus will become 'fake' and just going through the motions for the sake of being 'creative'. You are so right about it being about the INTIMACY not the frequency. I'm divorced and all the creativity in the world in the bedroom couldn't save the marriage when intimacy and emotional needs weren't being met outside the bedroom either.
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