What about me?

Have I been sexually selfish?

Does this ring a bell with you? I think this is common since we are naturally selfish. When we allow ourselves to be sexually selfish it can be devastating. As wives, we need to fight against the urge to put ourselves first. I have a few friends who feel that their husbands don’t do anything for them and so they want to withhold sex. This is not biblical. But I totally understand it. I’ve been there. I’d venture to say anyone that has been married for any length of time has been there too. Unfortunately the repercussions are that we can deeply wound our husband and cause him to want to pull back from us and be absent emotionally and physically. It can also cause him to be angry and tempted to seek his sexual fulfillment elsewhere. Selfishness can be one of the greatest enemies of sexual intimacy.

So what do we do? First I have found it helpful to understand my husband’s needs sexually. I didn't just figure this out on my own. I had to talk to him about it. I’m aware these conversations aren’t easy, but they are necessary. This is also a great time to help your husband understand where you are coming from sexually and what your needs are. I encourage you to share this with him after he shares his needs. Put him first and allow him to ask questions. Think carefully about when you want to have this conversation too. Late at night when you are both tired is probably not the best time. Set aside a couple hours, without the kids when you can have some uninterrupted time together.

I think some women wonder if sex is a need or a want for their husband. Dr. James Dobson says in his book What Wives Wish their Husbands Knew about Women, “When sexual response is blocked, males experience an accumulating physiological pressure which demands release." They need it. I know when I learned this I was surprised. I had no idea.

Now you are probably thinking, what about my needs? Well, I know most of us women need and desire affection. In Willard F. Harley’s book His Needs, Her Needs he states, “Affection is the environment of the marriage while sex is an event. It is a direct and convincing expression of love that gives the event of sex a more appropriate context. Most women need affection before sex means much to them…When your marriage is struggling sexually, look for the missing element of affection.” Share this with your husband lovingly. If this isn’t a need for him, he may not realize it is a need for you.